The Road to Splitsville AND THE AWARD FOR OUTSTANDING ACHIEVEMENT IN TRASHING ICONIC BUILDINGS GOES TO…

How do we know we’re on the Road to Splitsville (and possibly headed to a political and legal separation of the red states and the blue), and not on some other thoroughfare, like the Highway to Hell or the Boulevard of Broken Dreams? We know, because such a Split would be absurd and grotesque. But the red states are Republican states, and the Republican Party is the Donald Trump Party, and the fans of Donald Trump love the absurd and eat the grotesque with a fucking spoon.

Speaking of which: what are you doing on September 5?

If you’ve got some time, and $2,500 (per individual) to spare, you could join Christ-knows-how-many dipshits, ghouls, imbeciles, and traitors at—we kid you not—the “J6 Awards Gala,” to be held at Donald Trump’s golf club-cum-Ex Sematary in Bedminster, N.J. Go alone, with your significant other, or rope together eleven of your chums and snag a table for 12. Yes, 12 x $2,500 = $30,000 but, because this a Donald Trump-related production, the actual cost of a table for 12 is a cool $50,000. But think of th—

What? You have a question?

“It can’t be a reference to the January 6^th riot—can it? They’re not seriously intending to honor the criminals, murderers, and vandals who attempted an insurrection to halt the transfer of presidential power and, as long as they were in the neighborhood, hang Mike Pence. So J6 must be some kind of hip-hop artist, right?”

Alas, no. By J6 they mean that J6. Trump and his gang of crack party planners are indeed going to honor the very same courageous patriots who stormed the Capitol, smashed windows, attacked police, shat on the floor, looted people’s offices, and terrorized such worthies as Ted Cruz (hid in a supply closet) and Josh Hawley (turned tail and loped away, the Senate’s own Brave Sir Robin).

Refuse to believe it? We don’t blame you. But Hafiz Rashid of The New Republic has the deets. 

The event will include a raffle to win a plaque recognizing the “Justice For All” song performed by Trump and the “J6 Prison Choir,” which briefly reached the Billboard Music Chart. The choir is made up of defendants serving prison sentences for their actions in the Capitol in 2021.

(As illustrated in the TNR piece, the announcement of this “gala” arrives as an “invitation.” Does that mean you’re a guest, and attendance is free? Grow up. It means it’s an invitation to pay through the nose for a ticket. This mimics a brave new internet advertising technique, in which you, the customer, are congratulated for being selected to receive an opportunity to be a customer.)

Featured speakers include not just ageing insult comic/pathological liar Donald J. Trump, but none other than still-living, for-some-reason-not-in-jail, presumably-bankrupt Rudy “America’s Ongoing Embarrassment” Giuliani. Plus Anthony Raimondi. Who?

A man from one of New York City's crime families who has deep ties to the Italian mafia. He was there the day of the Pope's death and witnessed his murder firsthand. Or, at least, that's what he says.

This quote is from one of those Q&A’s that pop up when you Google something. We don’t know its source. We do know that it’s not from Wikipedia, because Raimondi doesn’t have an entry in that publication. Can he therefore be said to actually exist? And if he does, so what? Why are his views on the January 6 insurrection—which he has every Constitutional right to air—of any possible interest to man or beast?

Maybe Donald Trump is hoping you’ll pony up two-point-five K to find out. Then again, he and the other two are listed as “Invited Guest Speakers.” There is nothing to confirm whether or not they have accepted the invitation. If, for whatever explained or unexplained reasons, any or all of these invitees are unable to attend, paying guests will be compensated with an extra-large consignment of tough noogies.

The video ad for this event urges “Purchase your tickets to help the J6 victims.” Call us cynical, but we don’t think the revenue from ticket sales will be of much use to the riot’s real victims, who in fact are literally dead. Four civilians died (by gunshot, being crushed, stroke, and heart attack), as did three police (one by injury and two by suicide).

“But wait,” someone will say. “Trump doesn’t mean those suckers and losers who got killed. He likes victims who aren’t dead. By ‘victims’ he means the people who ransacked the Capitol, tried to interfere with an election, and ended up in jail for their trouble. You know—the ones he calls ‘patriots’ and ‘hostages.’ He’s going to give the money to them.’”

Rashid quotes the invitation:

“We gather to pay tribute not only to these individuals but to all J6 defendants who have shown incredible courage and sacrifice,” the event description states.

In a promotional video for the event, Trump calls the rioters “peaceful” and “hostages,” and adds that “there have never been people treated more horrifically than J6 hostages.”

Stop, yer killin’ us. The idea that Donald Trump is going to do anything with the money from this psycho sideshow except put it in his pocket is to laff. (“We gather to pay tribute. We don’t gather to pay money.”) It’s his latest grift. It’s what he does. And he’s going to do it on the backs of people he enticed into rioting with claims that he was going to lead them, an army of poor dumb (and violent, vicious) schmucks who got injured at his instigation while he watched it on tv.

Meanwhile, what does “Awards” even mean? Who will receive them? Who will be giving them? And for what? Are they related to the awards Donald J. Trump regularly bestows upon himself when, after well-documented cheating, he “wins” at the golf tournaments that are held at his own golf clubs?

All in all, this seems like just another fund-raiser, dressed up in benefit-for-a-worthy-cause drag. Except the cause isn’t worthy, the people supposedly slated to receive the proceeds are disgraceful traitors and don’t deserve them, the money will be raised under false pretenses, and they won’t see any of it anyway.

This is a moral atrocity as complicated and breathtaking as a Simone Biles floor routine. But there are people who will go for it. And those are the people—unbelievably, they number in the millions from coast to coast—who will, when the time comes, happily campaign for a Split, and will follow Trump (or his designated heir) out of the Union and into their very own sovereign, ridiculous red-state nation.

But wait. There’s one final plot twist we should mention: Donald Trump, because he is a convicted felon, has been denied the renewal of the liquor licenses of his New Jersey establishments, both at Trump National Golf Club Colts Neck and Trump National Golf Club Bedminster. From the day of his 34 felony convictions, the clubs were allowed to operate under a temporary license until a hearing on July 19. We’ve been unable to find the ruling from that hearing, which suggests it’s still pending.

What if it’s handed down before September 5? Can you imagine shelling out thousands of dollars and showing up at Bedminster, only to be told that you have to endure this ludicrous event sober?

SERVICE ADVISORY: We will be on a one-week hiatus from The Road to Splitsville. The next issue, or edition, or number, or whatever this is, will appear on Wednesday, September 11.