The Road to Splitsville MISGUIDANCE COUNSELORS

The Newsletter for Subscribers to THE SPLIT

Recently we mentioned, discussed, deplored, and mocked a bill put forth in the Indiana legislature allowing, with their parents’ “permission,” children 14 years of age to, after the long, arduous trek up the mountain of education to the commanding summit of having finished the 8^th grade, drop out of school and work, eight hours a day, five days a week, on a farm. We thought it was monstrous—a way to stunt the lives and destroy the intellects of innocent children by allowing (read: forcing) them into becoming—mixed metaphor alert—Dickensian campesinos. We thought kids should stay in school at least through grade 12, where they’d be safe from such stunting and destroying.

Silly us!

We should have known that Republican-ruled states are perfectly capable of stunting the lives and destroying the intellects of children within the context of school itself. How? Why, by allowing chaplains to serve in public schools. And none of your wishy-washy, namby-pamby “non-denominational” chaplains, like that nice one on M*A*S*H, either. We’re talking about good, solid, proselytizing, Jesus-promoting Christian chaplains.

We read about this in the Washington Post of this past March 22, where religion reporter Michelle Boorstein opens with a killer lede:

Lawmakers in mostly conservative states are pushing a coordinated effort to bring chaplains into public schools, aided by a new, legislation-crafting network that aims to address policy issues “from a biblical world view” and by a consortium whose promotional materials say chaplains are a way to convert millions to Christianity.

To be fair—although we don’t know why we bother being fair, since God knows these religious zealots and would-be theocrats aren’t fair with people who disagree with them—this movement is hardly the triumphant juggernaut it wants to be, and is getting pushback from Christians and non-Christians alike. Still, the fact that it has achieved even partial success makes us not know whether to fall down laughing or jump off a cliff.

(“Why not both?” Yeah, maybe…)

Few things promise to advance the values of the Enlightenment (on which this country was founded) less than interpreting the world “from a biblical world view.” Worse, the chaplains dispensing this magical, mystical tommyrot would be volunteers, and would end up taking the place of accredited, professional counselors, who actually know something about…you know…kids, and education, and stuff like that.

Instead, the scenarios suggested might more resemble this:

TIMMY: I’m getting crap grades because I can’t do my homework, and the reason I can’t do my homework is, my parents keep fighting, and my dad gets drunk and yells at my mom, and that scares my little sister, so she starts to cry and that makes my dad ever madder, and he blames my mom and she cries and I can’t think about anything!

CHAPLAIN: Have you prayed on it, son?

Boorstein:

The bills have been introduced this legislative season in 14 states, inspired by Texas, which passed a law last year allowing school districts to hire chaplains or use them as volunteers for whatever role the local school board sees fit, including replacing trained counselors.

“We are reclaiming religious freedom in this country,” said Jason Rapert, a former Arkansas state senator and the president of the National Association of Christian Lawmakers, which he founded in 2019 to craft model legislation, according to the group’s site.

Note, as always, that when theocrats cite “religious freedom,” what they mean is their freedom to impose their Christian views on you. And when you call it theocracy, God-botherer Rapert says that’s “a false flag, a boogeyman by the radical left to demonize everyone of faith.” This is a statement rich in either stupidity or bad-faith propaganda: The use of “false flag” is simply wrong (it’s a mis-use of the term); people criticizing this policy are anything but from the radical left (the Baptist Joint Committee for Religious Liberty condemns the proposal); and no one is demonizing everyone of faith.

But then, that’s their (as Jesus would say) schtick: If you don’t want proselytizing Christians in your school, or soccer club, or amateur theatrical group, you’re “persecuting” them. Ask white evangelicals who is the most oppressed group in the U.S., and their answer will be, “white evangelicals.” If you try to foist your religious beliefs on me or my kids, and I object, you’re the one who’s victimized.

Some states that are proposing chaplains in schools had taken earlier steps to merge religion and public education. Since 2018, seven states have passed mandates similar to Texas’s offering a dominant display of “In God We Trust” signs. Governors in Idaho and Kentucky recently signed measures that could allow on-duty teachers and public school employees to pray in front of and with students. Advocates for church-state separation say the number of bills seeking to fund and empower conservative religious beliefs has increased, to 1,200 filed this year.

Again: this whole cockamamie chaplain thing isn’t being embraced by everyone who encounters it. Boorstein’s piece ends with an account of a school board meeting in Conroe, outside Houston. Even the board president expressed doubt as to whether the measure (of which he approved) could be implemented. A pastor was against it. A board member said of the chaplains, “They aren’t counselors. And if it saves one life it’s worth it.”

That’s a telling use of language. We might ask: What’s worth it? Trashing the counseling system? Rupturing the wall that separates church and state? Imposing your religious beliefs on children under color of the authority of the school? In any case, Fun Fact: Christians trying to get you to accept J.C. think they’re saving your life. Of course they do.

After more than two hours of debate, the measure failed, 4-3. For now, it could be said.

The late, great Molly Ivins once observed that to grow up in Texas was to be subjected to three values: Anti-intellectualism, machismo, and flaunted religiosity. (We would add: Each abuses the mind and softens it up for the other two.) The placement of chaplains in public schools hits two out of those three.

We anticipate that the practice will continue. It’s exactly the kind of high-speed carpool lane you’d expect to see while cruising down the Road to Splitsville. And color us not surprised if, while they’re at it, these “life-saving” theocrats decide to start replacing school nurses with Christian Scientists.