Splitsville A PLAGUE IN BOTH THY HOUSES

The Eternally Youthful Newsletter for Subscribers to THE SPLIT

For weeks, now, we’ve been slaving over a hot keyboard in an effort to impart to you (the reader) a vision of the U.S. as Splitsville—a place consisting of two different nations occupying a single geo-political boundary. And what do we get for it? We get someone asking, “Have you guys been using ‘geo-political’ properly? Is it even a word?”

Our position is: Who cares? You know what we mean. Blue state/red state; liberal/conservative; sane (us)/mentally dysfunctional (Trumpists)—the dichotomies are obvious and everywhere. And yet! All this time, we’ve ignored an absolutely perfect illustration of what scholars will one day call “the Splitsvillification of America.” It’s been literally right under our figurative noses, and under your figurative noses, too, assuming you have any. It presents for our scrutiny a pair of nations, or at least tribes, not only occupying a single geo-political boundary, but a single fucking building.

We refer to the United States Congress.

Take the House. (Please.) These days, it consists of two factions almost exactly equal in number but poles apart in every other metric and human quality, including but not limited to honesty, intelligence, patriotism, faithfulness to the Constitution, knowing-what-you’re-talking-about, and not-being-an-asshole. On the Democratic side are such groovy, sexy all-stars as Jasmine Crockett, Jamie Raskin, and Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez. On the Republican side, in sharp contrast, is a motley assortment of frothing crackpots, striving sociopaths, and outright imbeciles, such as Marjorie Taylor Greene, James Comer, and Anna Paulina Luna. On the one hand, we have handsome, witty Eric Swalwell and witty, handsome Maxwell Frost; on the other, they have pious, hypocritical Mike Johnson and insufferable, rodentlike Jim Jordan. (We tried to write “rodentine” but spell-check wouldn’t let us.)

We hear you thinking, “Yeah, but wait. Isn’t Congress always like that? At least in this century? Pretty much half of one, half of the other, and somehow everyone (i.e., the United States of America) gets by? What’s so Splitsville-y about the present?”

Good question. But we have a good answer. This House is unlike any other in living memory, for the simple reason that over half of it is entirely complicit with the most dangerous, destructive, and corrupt administration in history.

As you may know, Donald Trump is engaged in a project to destroy the United States, while threatening the health (if not the lives) of its citizens, displaying traitorous deference to its enemies, and illegally amassing a fortune he will die before spending. Trump and Elon Musk—the one of whom, in Christian eschatological terms, is the Antichrist, while the other is the False Prophet--have, in a mere four weeks, attacked, invaded, or undermined agencies dedicated to Americans’ health and safety that form a list so long, it reads like a satirist’s notes for a too-crazy-to-be-published novel in which a psychopath becomes POTUS. It includes:

· The Federal Aviation Administration

· The Food and Drug Administration

· The National Institutes of Health

· The Federal Emergency Management Agency

· The Consumer Financial Protection Agency

· The Department of Education

· The National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration

· The U.S. Agency for International Development

· The Treasury Department

· The National Nuclear Security Administration

No one is pretending all this is for the good of the public. Or, rather, everyone (among Republicans) is pretending all this is for the good of the public. Crippling or eliminating these agencies, or replacing their dedicated staffs of experts and professionals with a sniggering gang of mediocrities, morons, and “loyalists,” will make practically every aspect of life in the U.S. more unsafe, from the food and drugs we ingest, to air travel, weather prediction, health care, disaster recovery, foreign travel, and the proper management of nuclear weapons.

Fun! Meanwhile, Trump’s tariffs and trade wars will almost certainly exacerbate inflation, cause the economy to contract, and further alienate us from our allies.

And half the House—the Republican half, a bare majority—is just fine with this, thanks. They’re doing nothing to stop it and everything they can to thwart those who try.

“But wait,” we can hear you thinking again. “Isn’t the House always like that? Unruly, populist, prey to the evanescent fads and mercurial whims of the moment? Maybe people in Republican congressional districts want to fly in planes that crash, take dangerous and untested drugs, eat contaminated food, remain helpless and bankrupt after the next hurricane or wildfire, and occasionally suffer a nuclear accident. Isn’t that why we have the Senate? To provide a sober, more measured counterbalance to the House’s impulsiveness?”

Oh you adorable, loud-thinking naif. The Senate, these days, is no better. That satirist taking notes for a dystopian novel? Here’s her ideas for the Senate:

· Name a raving crackpot—one who ignores a hundred years of progress with vaccines and its all-but-elimination of polio, measles, and tuberculosis --as head of HHS

· Appoint an abusive alcoholic part-time TV host with a history of showing up drunk, with no experience running a large organization, to be Defense Secretary and run the biggest organization in the world

· Have a vindictive scumbag who couldn’t care less about the rule of law become head of the FBI

· Put a comically corrupt lawyer, who as Florida D.A. dropped charges against the President for a paltry $25K campaign contribution, at the top of the DOJ

· Select a woman with no experience in the intelligence services, thought by many to be a fan of dictator-murderer Bashar al-Assad and an asset of Russian dictator Vladimir Putin, and have her be Director of National Intelligence.

Done and done! In real life! Because the Republican Senators were just too credulous, or corrupt, or stupid, or cowardly, to vote against their confirmation. We will see, both in the near future and in the long term (if we’re around to have a long term), how pernicious their tenure in those offices will be.

Meanwhile, voila: Splitsville USA. But this dichotomy, this rivalry between two warring factions, is not like the good old dichotomies of yore, such as the Jets vs. the Sharks (West Side Story), the Yangs vs. the Comms (Star Trek), or the Montagues vs. the Capulets (The Tragedy of Romeo and Juliet). No, this is a clash between forces actively or passively promoting democracy versus forces actively promoting or passively condoning fascism. On the one side we have decent, humane people trying to protect government (however inefficient, bureaucratic, and slow-moving) by and for the people, from avaricious, sadistic bullies bent on burning the whole thing down for lulz and booty.

We have our own beefs with and misgivings about how Democrats in both houses are responding to the challenge. We wish the Dems in the Senate would do more to obstruct, delay, and impede Trump’s agenda, while we want those in the House to publicize, especially in red districts, the crimes and outrages these Christo-fascist criminals are perpetrating, and what their effects will be on the very people who voted them into office. Meanwhile, though, we’d like to end this week’s sermon newsletter with a question:

How can any Democrat, in either house, stand to be in the same chamber as, to breathe the same air as, any Republican? Don’t they just want to…Split?

COMES NOW (isn’t that how official court documents begin?) this announcement: Soon you will be able—you will be required—to purchase an actual physical “hard copy” of The Split—for reading, for gifting, for displaying proudly on your stupid coffee table. Stay “tuned”!