One problem with reading a serialized story, especially for those who are really into it, is that you can’t keep going, breathlessly turning pages through the night, hoping you reach “The End” before it’s time to get out of bed and drag your sorry ass to work.
Another problem is forgetting what happened in the previous chapter (or the previous fifteen chapters) by the time you open the next chapter.
While we can’t solve the first problem (if you think we’re going to leak spoilers you don’t know us very well), we can offer some help with the second: a super-condensed weekly summary of the story thus far.
Once a week (every Tuesday, if we can manage it) we’ll send a so-called Readers’ Guide to subscribers; we’ll also post it on our Wonkette site for all the world to see. Each edition will include all of our previously published chapters, up to the previous week’s.
You’re probably thinking: How will these selfless writers find the time to add this to their burden when they’re already crazy-busy writing and editing a chapter of The Split every week, not to mention their weekly The Road to Splittsville newsletter, not to mention the time they spend trying to figure out how to harness the power of the internet to tell the world—in which reside millions, nay, billions of potential readers—about their dystopian satire? (Know anyone who would enjoy The Split? Tell them about it!)
The answer is that we, Ellis and Steve, have a helper, or intern, called ChatGPT. That’s right. We’re not too proud to admit that we’re employing mankind’s latest digital gadget—artificial intelligence—to lighten our heavy, heavy load. All we need to do is feed in a chapter at a time, command ChatGPT to “summarize this,” and wait three seconds for the results to appear, as if by magic.
What’s great, or horrifying, is that these summaries are pretty good (if a little business-English-y). Possibly even better than they’d be if we’d slaved over them the old-fashioned way. (“No!” says The Writer, “You can’t cut that out! That’s the best line I’ve ever written!” etc.) In the rare instance of an AI faux pas—we’re posting the entries unedited—the authors promise to bravely add a correction or reprimand.
The Split
Chapters One through Twenty-Seven
Summarized by ChatGPT
Chapter One: In a dystopian America, Lorinda Moon drives through a militarized society, where Oliver M. Waldrip, a radical candidate of the Divine Party, seeks to overthrow the incumbent CEO of the Confederation of Conservative States. As she drives her Ryonbong DragonFire, she encounters a strict police checkpoint enforcing loyalty oaths to various conservative icons and institutions. The officer, after a tense interaction involving an unloaded pink Lady SIG Sauer pistol and a recitation of the loyalty oath, warns Lorinda about the seriousness of carrying an unloaded weapon. Despite the intense surveillance and control in this society, Lorinda, dressed in a cowgirl outfit, navigates the situation with a mix of compliance and subtle resistance, reflecting the peculiarities and pressures of life in this authoritarian regime.
NOTE FROM THE AUTHORS: No, ChatGPT, it’s not a dystopian America. It’s a dystopian CCSA. Please be more attentive.
Chapter Two: Lorinda, a skilled and charismatic bartender at PumpJack's, thrives in the bustling environment of her bar, expertly handling drinks and engaging with regular customers. Her talent for memorizing drink recipes and personal details about her patrons enhances her rapport with them. When a well-dressed newcomer, Brad, arrives, the dynamics at the bar shift. Regulars tease each other and Lorinda about potential romantic interests, highlighting their camaraderie and shared humor. To uplift the mood, Lorinda invents a drinking game using a cocktail book, where each patron receives a unique, mistakenly named drink based on a game of 'Telephone'. The game successfully reinvigorates the atmosphere, showcasing Lorinda's creativity and ability to manage the bar's social environment. The evening concludes with an open invitation from Brad to an all-night party, reflecting the lively and interconnected community at the bar.
Chapter Three: Lorinda, a popular bartender at PumpJack's, is promoted to Head of Bartending Operations. Mrs. Barker, the branch manager, informs her of the promotion and a $200 weekly raise. Lorinda is excited but realizes the raise is a small fraction of her already high salary. Later, she prepares for a night out to celebrate her promotion, despite her parents' concerns about late-night outings in their heavily surveilled society. Driving with her friend Emmie, they encounter a dystopian landscape, including propaganda billboards and hazardous smog, and discuss the government's desperate measures to maintain population levels. Their journey is briefly interrupted by debris from a possible tornado, showcasing the unpredictable and harsh environment they live in.
NOTE FROM THE AUTHORS: Lorinda’s salary—$256,000 a year—seems high to Chat GPT, but ChatGPT missed the not-so-subtle point that the CCSA dollar is practically worthless.
Chapter Four depicts a party at Finn's house attended by Lorinda and her friend Emmie. The atmosphere is lively, with music and dancing. Brad, a new acquaintance of Lorinda, is present, armed with a gun. The mood shifts when Finn interrupts to show a recorded CEO debate, leading to political discussions and tensions among the guests. The debate, featuring candidates Waldrip and McWeeny, delves into extreme positions on societal issues, reflecting the divided state of the country. The party escalates into chaos with a physical altercation on TV and a brawl among guests. Lorinda and Brad retreat upstairs, where they have an intimate encounter. Afterward, Lorinda leaves Brad sleeping and rejoins Emmie downstairs. The party winds down, and they discuss Lorinda's experience with Brad, including her use of a contraband condom, illustrating the restrictive nature of their society. The chapter highlights the complex social dynamics and the pervasive influence of politics in their lives.
Chapter Five focuses on Lorinda attending a church service with her family, including her brother Zeke who is under the influence of a drug called manna. The service, held at the Liberated Independent Church of the Cause, is a lively event with food trucks and music, resembling more of a social gathering than a traditional religious service. During the sermon, Pastor Doug speaks about the Bible and the absence of modern medical terms in it, leading to an outburst from young congregants, presumably also on manna. Lorinda, amidst this chaotic scene, reflects on her recent job promotion and the responsibilities it entails, envisioning the potential future opportunities it could bring. The chapter paints a picture of a society deeply intertwined with religion, substance use, and personal aspirations within a dystopian setting.
Chapter Six: Lorinda attends a church service where the pastor, Doug, speaks against modern medicine and promotes a return to godliness. The CEO of Gotfried Lenz Pharmaceuticals, Jackson Howe, is introduced as a benefactor of the church. Howe proposes making all drugs available over-the-counter, a concept supported by the pastor and received with mixed reactions from the congregation. Lorinda, distracted by thoughts of her career ambitions, barely pays attention to the sermon. After the service, her friend Emmie gives her a pregnancy test, urging her to use it. Emmie, a nurse, expresses concern about the implications of Howe's proposal for over-the-counter drugs. The chapter reflects the intersection of religion, corporate influence, and personal challenges in a society with changing norms and values.
NOTE FROM THE AUTHORS: Emmie gives Lorinda a pregnancy-test KIT. ChatGPT’s implication is that Emmie gives Lorinda an actual pregnancy test, which would be a weird thing to do in a church parking lot.
Chapter Seven: Lorinda, after a restless night filled with anxious dreams, takes a pregnancy test given by her friend Emmie and discovers she is pregnant. Despite using what she thought was protection, Emmie reveals that the government-manufactured 'Freedom' condoms they used are deliberately designed with flaws, leading to unintended pregnancies. The pregnancy test, made in the USA, is highly accurate, contrasting with the faulty CCSA-made condoms. Lorinda's shock and anger are palpable as she grapples with the impact this will have on her future, a future she had meticulously planned and worked towards. This revelation leaves her feeling betrayed and devastated.
Chapter Eight: Distraught after confirming her pregnancy with a test, Lorinda grapples with the implications for her career and personal freedom. She recognizes the irony of living in the Confederation of Conservative States of America, which values individual liberty yet has manipulated her situation through faulty government-produced condoms. This revelation causes her to question her loyalty to a system that has betrayed her and her beliefs. As she cleans up the broken glass from a picture frame, she plans to meet Emmie for further discussion, reflecting on the stark contrast between her perception of the USA and her current reality in the CCSA.
Chapter Nine: In this passage, Lorinda is at PumpJack's bar with her friend Emmie, and they discreetly discuss serious matters due to surveillance cameras. Lorinda reveals her concern about tampered condoms and her desire for an abortion, frustrated with government interference in reproductive choices. They also touch on her reluctance to have a child with Brad. Despite the heavy topics, they share a moment of laughter. Emmie mentions that the government distributes fake pills, making it challenging to obtain reliable contraceptives or abortion pills. Despite the obstacles, Emmie offers support, and Lorinda expresses her need for an abortion. The passage ends with the unexpected arrival of Brad at the bar.
Chapter Ten: This content may violate our content policy. If you believe this to be in error, please submit your feedback—your input will aid our research in this area. In this passage, Brad, an acquaintance of Lorinda, joins her and Emmie at the bar. Lorinda is not interested in continuing any romantic involvement with Brad and makes it clear to him. Brad leaves abruptly after a brief, uncomfortable exchange. Later, Agent Morrow from the Bureau of Investigations confronts Lorinda about turning off the bar's surveillance cameras. To avoid trouble, she pretends not to know about the cameras and apologizes. After Agent Morrow leaves, Lorinda reflects on her personal concerns, including a recent pregnancy test result, her career, and a mysterious government presence. Unbeknownst to her, a surveillance vehicle follows her home, adding to her worries.
NOTE FROM THE AUTHORS: Whoa, ChatGPT! What did we say that got you all het up? And, really, “mysterious government presence”? And “surveillance vehicle”? Have you been gargling with 440-volt electricity, ChatGPT?
Chapter Eleven: Lorinda is careful not to search for terms related to abortion online, fearing government surveillance. Despite the government's censorship on the internet, she obsesses over finding a solution to her problem, considering dangerous and illegal methods. Meanwhile, Emmie begins to subtly integrate herself into Dr. Henry Holman’s routine, an OB/GYN head at Perfecton General, rumored to be liberal. They meet for lunch under the guise of privacy to discuss sensitive matters, where Dr. Holman agrees to secretly provide Emmie with a contact who could help with an abortion, despite the risk of imprisonment. As Lorinda finishes work, she receives a message from Emmie, who reveals she has obtained the contact for the needed procedure, while they notice they might be under surveillance.
Chapter Twelve: Lorinda sets off at an early hour for a clandestine trip from Perfecton to Austin to see a doctor for an abortion, a journey requiring two round-trips due to the risk of government surveillance. She's unable to contact the doctor by phone for fear of eavesdropping. Despite pride in her Texas heritage, she feels disconnected from the state's bravado given her current situation. Political ads along the way, advocating extreme religious views and state pride, seem out of touch with her reality. Unbeknownst to Lorinda, Brad follows her in his truck, curious about her visit to the UT Austin Health Center, but falls asleep after she enters the building.
Chapter Thirteen: Lorinda, hesitating at first, enters a hospital to visit Dr. Suzanne Fields, only to find the doctor has been replaced by Dr. Janelle Stark. After navigating through a messy corridor, she encounters Stark, who bluntly informs her that abortions are illegal and that she will be sent to a breeding center. When Lorinda protests and tries to leave, Stark tries to exert control over her, demanding Lorinda’s firearm. A confrontation ensues, with Lorinda ultimately hitting Stark with the gun and fleeing past the janitors towards the elevator.
Chapter Fourteen: Brad startles awake to the sound of his own snore, initially disoriented until he realizes he's parked outside a hospital in Austin, where Lorinda is presumably inside. Meanwhile, Lorinda, driving recklessly away from the hospital, nearly hits a group of homeless individuals in an alley. After apologizing and seeking permission to leave her car there, she realizes her gun is stained with blood from her earlier altercation with Janelle Stark and takes a moment to clean it. As Brad attempts to inquire about Lorinda at the hospital reception, Janelle Stark and her security entourage confront him aggressively, demanding information about Lorinda and ultimately recruiting him to their team.
Chapter Fifteen: Lorinda, on the run and desperate, seeks refuge in Little Harlem, a diverse neighborhood in Austin. Feeling out of place but relieved to find safety, she enters a bar where she meets Crystal, the owner, who offers her support and a drink. Meanwhile, Janelle Stark coerces Brad into helping her find Lorinda, using their surveillance capabilities to track her down. Lorinda confides in Crystal about her situation and receives advice to flee to a distant location to evade capture. Accepting the reality of her circumstances, Lorinda begins to prioritize her safety over her previous life plans.
Chapter Sixteen: Upon Lorinda's arrival in Little Harlem, Stark and her team track her down, with Brad reluctantly leading them to her location. Lorinda learns more about Little Harlem's history and how Crystal ended up there. As Brad tries to persuade Lorinda to leave with him, tension rises, resulting in Lorinda striking him with her gun. Crystal and her associates quickly formulate a plan to remove Brad and protect Lorinda from Stark's team. With Crystal's help, Lorinda prepares to flee Little Harlem, grateful for the unexpected assistance but wary of the ongoing threat.
Chapter Seventeen: In the basement, Leon guides Lorinda through a hidden passage, eventually leading her to Sharon's salon. Sharon quickly helps disguise Lorinda, providing her with a wig, sunglasses, and a smock to alter her appearance. Sharon warns Lorinda about the seriousness of her situation and emphasizes the danger she's in, advising her to comply with the underground railroad operatives who will help her escape. After offering her assistance free of charge, Sharon urges Lorinda to leave quickly and stay safe. With a final warning about the ruthless pursuit of those after her, Sharon sends Lorinda on her way with a red wig and words of caution.
Chapter Eighteen: Lorinda exits Sharon's Salon to find a beat-up pickup truck labeled "PATRIOT FARM FRESH VEGETABLES" waiting for her in the alley. Inside, she meets two men, Ren and Stimpy, who inform her that they are taking her out of the country to avoid repercussions for attacking a federal official. Despite her initial resistance and confusion, Lorinda reluctantly agrees to leave with them. As they drive through Little Harlem, Ren and Stimpy explain the severity of her situation and the need to flee. Eventually, they reach an abandoned shopping mall, where Lorinda undergoes a quick transformation into a new identity named Margaret. After receiving a new Citizen Card, Lorinda surrenders her old one and her small gun. Ren, Stimpy, and Margaret leave the mall to continue their journey, promising to meet up with others at a farm.
NOTE FROM THE AUTHORS: Sloppy reading, ChatGPT. Lorinda definitely does not surrender her small gun. Sorta-spoiler: That cute little pink gun will make a number of appearances later in the story.
Chapter 19: Stimpy and Ren pick up Lorinda in the brown Zhiguli, and they embark on a journey westward. Along the way, they discuss the political and economic landscape of the USA and CCSA, including the consequences of The Split and the differences in life expectancy between the two nations. They also reveal their true names and engage in conversation about cryptocurrency, corruption, and the nature of their society. Lorinda learns about the crypto-mining operation owned by CEO McWeeny and begins to understand the complexities of their world. As they travel, they share stories and anecdotes until Lorinda falls asleep. Eventually, they arrive at a special gas station, the destination of their journey.
NOTE FROM THE AUTHORS: Jesus, ChatGPT, what’s with you? Lorinda asks what their real names are, but do Ren and Stimpy respond? No, they do not.
Chapter 20: Lorinda arrives at a gas station with an eccentric sign and meets the owners, Bill and Hillary. They invite her and her companions, Stimpy and Ren, into their living quarters above the garage. Over dinner, Hillary expresses her exhaustion and desire to leave the place due to the hazardous working conditions caused by crypto mining. Despite the tense atmosphere, they enjoy a meal together. After dinner, Bill introduces Lorinda to a record player, sparking her curiosity. Hillary then escorts Lorinda to her room, where she finds clean clothes and asks personal questions about Stimpy. Hillary reveals Stimpy's tragic past and explains their involvement in a movement to help people escape the country. Lorinda learns about their organization's mission and prepares for sleep, eager to leave the dangerous environment the next morning.
NOTE FROM THE AUTHORS: Yes, Hillary is unhappy and tired, but ChatGPT seems a little obsessed with the crypto-mining component of her unhappiness: she mainly just wants to get out of this dump. That said, kudos to ChatGPT for “Stimpy's tragic past,” a surprisingly “human” observation.
Chapter 21: Lorinda, Stimpy, and Ren are on their way to Libertyville, an enclave founded by wealthy libertarians. Along the road, they pass billboards promoting the enclave's libertarian ideals and promising freedom and prosperity. Stimpy and Ren explain the concept of enclaves, which are privately owned and self-governing communities that emerged after The Split, a significant event in the country's history. They discuss other enclaves like R-V-Ville, inhabited by recreational vehicle enthusiasts, who are characterized as eccentric dissidents. The conversation reveals the paranoia and absurdity surrounding the enclave residents' beliefs and lifestyle choices, leaving Lorinda bewildered by the surreal nature of their society.
Chapter 22: Ren and Stimpy inform Lorinda about various enclaves in their country, including one where people worship Donald Trump and another for conspiracy theorists. They discuss Little Harlem, a Confederal neighborhood, contrasting it with the concept of enclaves, which are private properties. Stimpy explains the diverse range of enclaves, from ones for UFO enthusiasts to those for conspiracy theorists and Catholics. They also mention Football Freehold, the State of Swing, and Noah’s Ark. The conversation touches on the Penal Colony, known for its controversial reality show, and the deceptive nature of education in their society. As they approach Libertyville, Lorinda attempts to uncover their real names, but Ren and Stimpy maintain their secrecy.
Chapter 23: Ren, Stimpy, and Lorinda arrive at Libertyville and are immediately confronted by the chaotic atmosphere of the enclave. As they navigate through the makeshift stalls and storefronts, they witness a violent altercation between two men. Dodging the chaos, they eventually reach the area known as the Seasettling Experience, where they are greeted by Snoopy, who is to assist them in their journey to New Mexico. Despite some communication issues, they prepare to embark on the next stage of their journey, symbolizing Lorinda's increasing commitment to her escape from the country.
NOTE FROM THE AUTHORS: ChatGPT is a little confused here, but never mind. Just ignore it and move to the next chapter summary.
Chapter 24: Lorinda, Stimpy, and Ren meet Snoopy, who warns them about the imminent danger in Libertyville. Snoopy explains that the enclave is on the brink of collapse due to internal conflict, and armed factions are vying for control. They learn that Libertyville was a failed experiment and that there is no Seasettling as advertised. As explosions and gunfire intensify, they rush to escape, but Ren is tragically killed in the chaos. Stimpy, taking charge, hands Lorinda a gun and they flee the violence, unsure of where to go next, but determined to survive.
Chapter 25: After the chaos in Libertyville and Ren's tragic death, Lorinda, Stimpy, Bill, and Hillary regroup at a gas station. Lorinda struggles with guilt and uncertainty about her situation, feeling responsible for putting others in danger. They discuss their next move and try to find solace amidst their grief. Bill attempts to explain how a record player works, leading to a humorous exchange that lightens the mood momentarily. As they plan their escape, they consider various routes and ultimately decide on heading to Georgia, a safer option despite the long distance. Lorinda initially suggests going alone, but Stimpy insists on accompanying her, determined to see the mission through. Amidst their uncertainty, they find some comfort in camaraderie and shared moments of levity, even as they face the challenges ahead.
Chapter 26: Lorinda and Stimpy, still reeling from recent events, set off in the Lada after a restless night. They stop at an abandoned weigh station where their friends, Popeye and Olive, help them with a car switch and provide disguises. As they head towards their next destination, Revelation (also known as Rapture Town), they reflect on their journey and the loss of their friend, Ren. Lorinda is touched to learn Ren's real name, Roger Winters. As they drive, they encounter a mix of deteriorating infrastructure and bizarre electronic billboards, including one advertising the Rapture Ride and another with a controversial message from a political candidate. Stimpy lightens the mood with a humorous imitation, providing a momentary reprieve from their troubles.
Chapter 27: In this chapter, Lorinda and Stimpy travel through a desolate landscape devoid of billboards, marked only by makeshift memorials and dilapidated farms. Stimpy reveals his unease about surveillance and introduces Lorinda to Dominion Domain, an extreme theocratic enclave. He explains its origins and subsequent transformation into a theme park due to financial struggles. They discuss the absurdity of fundamentalist beliefs and the manipulation of ignorance by those in power. Stimpy's frustration reflects broader societal issues within the CCSA. As they approach Revelation, their destination, they encounter hand-painted signs featuring Jesus, inviting people to the Dominion Domain. Stimpy explains its theocratic principles and eventual decline into a make-believe place. Their conversation highlights the prevalence of irrationality and extremism in their society, leaving Lorinda to reflect on the pervasive stupidity she encounters.
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