Readers’ Guide to THE SPLIT

Let ChatGPT Keep You Up To Date

One problem with reading a serialized story, especially for those who are really into it, is that you can’t keep going, breathlessly turning pages through the night, hoping you reach “The End” before it’s time to get out of bed and drag your sorry ass to work.

Another problem is forgetting what happened in the previous chapter (or the previous fifteen chapters) by the time you open the next chapter.

While we can’t solve the first problem (if you think we’re going to leak spoilers you don’t know us very well), we can offer some help with the second: a super-condensed weekly summary of the story thus far.

Once a week (every Tuesday, if we can manage it) we’ll send a so-called Readers’ Guide to subscribers; we’ll also post it on our Wonkette site for all the world to see. Each edition will include all of our previously published chapters, up to the previous week’s.

You’re probably thinking: How will these selfless writers find the time to add this to their burden when they’re already crazy-busy writing and editing a chapter of The Split every week, not to mention their weekly The Road to Splittsville newsletter, not to mention the time they spend trying to figure out how to harness the power of the internet to tell the world—in which reside millions, nay, billions of potential readers—about their dystopian satire? (Know anyone who would enjoy The Split? Tell them about it!)

The answer is that we, Ellis and Steve, have a helper, or intern, called ChatGPT. That’s right. We’re not too proud to admit that we’re employing mankind’s latest digital gadget—artificial intelligence—to lighten our heavy, heavy load. All we need to do is feed in a chapter at a time, command ChatGPT to “summarize this,” and wait three seconds for the results to appear, as if by magic.

What’s great, or horrifying, is that these summaries are pretty good (if a little business-English-y). Possibly even better than they’d be if we’d slaved over them the old-fashioned way. (“No!” says The Writer, “You can’t cut that out! That’s the best line I’ve ever written!” etc.) In the rare instance of an AI faux pas—we’re posting the entries unedited—the authors promise to bravely add a correction or reprimand.

Chapters One through Fifty summarized by ChatGPT

Chapter One: In a dystopian America, Lorinda Moon drives through a militarized society, where Oliver M. Waldrip, a radical candidate of the Divine Party, seeks to overthrow the incumbent CEO of the Confederation of Conservative States. As she drives her Ryonbong DragonFire, she encounters a strict police checkpoint enforcing loyalty oaths to various conservative icons and institutions. The officer, after a tense interaction involving an unloaded pink Lady SIG Sauer pistol and a recitation of the loyalty oath, warns Lorinda about the seriousness of carrying an unloaded weapon. Despite the intense surveillance and control in this society, Lorinda, dressed in a cowgirl outfit, navigates the situation with a mix of compliance and subtle resistance, reflecting the peculiarities and pressures of life in this authoritarian regime.

NOTE FROM THE AUTHORS: No, ChatGPT, it’s not a dystopian America. It’s a dystopian CCSA. Please be more attentive.

Chapter Two: Lorinda, a skilled and charismatic bartender at PumpJack's, thrives in the bustling environment of her bar, expertly handling drinks and engaging with regular customers. Her talent for memorizing drink recipes and personal details about her patrons enhances her rapport with them. When a well-dressed newcomer, Brad, arrives, the dynamics at the bar shift. Regulars tease each other and Lorinda about potential romantic interests, highlighting their camaraderie and shared humor. To uplift the mood, Lorinda invents a drinking game using a cocktail book, where each patron receives a unique, mistakenly named drink based on a game of 'Telephone'. The game successfully reinvigorates the atmosphere, showcasing Lorinda's creativity and ability to manage the bar's social environment. The evening concludes with an open invitation from Brad to an all-night party, reflecting the lively and interconnected community at the bar.

Chapter Three: Lorinda, a popular bartender at PumpJack's, is promoted to Head of Bartending Operations. Mrs. Barker, the branch manager, informs her of the promotion and a $200 weekly raise. Lorinda is excited but realizes the raise is a small fraction of her already high salary. Later, she prepares for a night out to celebrate her promotion, despite her parents' concerns about late-night outings in their heavily surveilled society. Driving with her friend Emmie, they encounter a dystopian landscape, including propaganda billboards and hazardous smog, and discuss the government's desperate measures to maintain population levels. Their journey is briefly interrupted by debris from a possible tornado, showcasing the unpredictable and harsh environment they live in.

NOTE FROM THE AUTHORS: Lorinda’s salary—$256,000 a year—seems high to Chat GPT, but ChatGPT missed the not-so-subtle point that the CCSA dollar is practically worthless.

Chapter Four depicts a party at Finn's house attended by Lorinda and her friend Emmie. The atmosphere is lively, with music and dancing. Brad, a new acquaintance of Lorinda, is present, armed with a gun. The mood shifts when Finn interrupts to show a recorded CEO debate, leading to political discussions and tensions among the guests. The debate, featuring candidates Waldrip and McWeeny, delves into extreme positions on societal issues, reflecting the divided state of the country. The party escalates into chaos with a physical altercation on TV and a brawl among guests. Lorinda and Brad retreat upstairs, where they have an intimate encounter. Afterward, Lorinda leaves Brad sleeping and rejoins Emmie downstairs. The party winds down, and they discuss Lorinda's experience with Brad, including her use of a contraband condom, illustrating the restrictive nature of their society. The chapter highlights the complex social dynamics and the pervasive influence of politics in their lives.

Chapter Five focuses on Lorinda attending a church service with her family, including her brother Zeke who is under the influence of a drug called manna. The service, held at the Liberated Independent Church of the Cause, is a lively event with food trucks and music, resembling more of a social gathering than a traditional religious service. During the sermon, Pastor Doug speaks about the Bible and the absence of modern medical terms in it, leading to an outburst from young congregants, presumably also on manna. Lorinda, amidst this chaotic scene, reflects on her recent job promotion and the responsibilities it entails, envisioning the potential future opportunities it could bring. The chapter paints a picture of a society deeply intertwined with religion, substance use, and personal aspirations within a dystopian setting.

Chapter Six: Lorinda attends a church service where the pastor, Doug, speaks against modern medicine and promotes a return to godliness. The CEO of Gotfried Lenz Pharmaceuticals, Jackson Howe, is introduced as a benefactor of the church. Howe proposes making all drugs available over-the-counter, a concept supported by the pastor and received with mixed reactions from the congregation. Lorinda, distracted by thoughts of her career ambitions, barely pays attention to the sermon. After the service, her friend Emmie gives her a pregnancy test, urging her to use it. Emmie, a nurse, expresses concern about the implications of Howe's proposal for over-the-counter drugs. The chapter reflects the intersection of religion, corporate influence, and personal challenges in a society with changing norms and values.

NOTE FROM THE AUTHORS: Emmie gives Lorinda a pregnancy-test KIT. ChatGPT’s implication is that Emmie gives Lorinda an actual pregnancy test, which would be a weird thing to do in a church parking lot.

Chapter Seven: Lorinda, after a restless night filled with anxious dreams, takes a pregnancy test given by her friend Emmie and discovers she is pregnant. Despite using what she thought was protection, Emmie reveals that the government-manufactured 'Freedom' condoms they used are deliberately designed with flaws, leading to unintended pregnancies. The pregnancy test, made in the USA, is highly accurate, contrasting with the faulty CCSA-made condoms. Lorinda's shock and anger are palpable as she grapples with the impact this will have on her future, a future she had meticulously planned and worked towards. This revelation leaves her feeling betrayed and devastated.

Chapter Eight: Distraught after confirming her pregnancy with a test, Lorinda grapples with the implications for her career and personal freedom. She recognizes the irony of living in the Confederation of Conservative States of America, which values individual liberty yet has manipulated her situation through faulty government-produced condoms. This revelation causes her to question her loyalty to a system that has betrayed her and her beliefs. As she cleans up the broken glass from a picture frame, she plans to meet Emmie for further discussion, reflecting on the stark contrast between her perception of the USA and her current reality in the CCSA.

Chapter Nine: In this passage, Lorinda is at PumpJack's bar with her friend Emmie, and they discreetly discuss serious matters due to surveillance cameras. Lorinda reveals her concern about tampered condoms and her desire for an abortion, frustrated with government interference in reproductive choices. They also touch on her reluctance to have a child with Brad. Despite the heavy topics, they share a moment of laughter. Emmie mentions that the government distributes fake pills, making it challenging to obtain reliable contraceptives or abortion pills. Despite the obstacles, Emmie offers support, and Lorinda expresses her need for an abortion. The passage ends with the unexpected arrival of Brad at the bar.

Chapter Ten: This content may violate our content policy. If you believe this to be in error, please submit your feedback—your input will aid our research in this area. In this passage, Brad, an acquaintance of Lorinda, joins her and Emmie at the bar. Lorinda is not interested in continuing any romantic involvement with Brad and makes it clear to him. Brad leaves abruptly after a brief, uncomfortable exchange. Later, Agent Morrow from the Bureau of Investigations confronts Lorinda about turning off the bar's surveillance cameras. To avoid trouble, she pretends not to know about the cameras and apologizes. After Agent Morrow leaves, Lorinda reflects on her personal concerns, including a recent pregnancy test result, her career, and a mysterious government presence. Unbeknownst to her, a surveillance vehicle follows her home, adding to her worries.

NOTE FROM THE AUTHORS: Whoa, ChatGPT! What did we say that got you all het up? And, really, “mysterious government presence”? And “surveillance vehicle”? Have you been gargling with 440-volt electricity, ChatGPT?

Chapter Eleven: Lorinda is careful not to search for terms related to abortion online, fearing government surveillance. Despite the government's  censorship on the internet, she obsesses over finding a solution to her problem, considering dangerous and illegal methods. Meanwhile, Emmie begins to subtly integrate herself into Dr. Henry Holman’s routine, an OB/GYN head at Perfecton General, rumored to be liberal. They meet for lunch under the guise of privacy to discuss sensitive matters, where Dr. Holman agrees to secretly provide Emmie with a contact who could help with an abortion, despite the risk of imprisonment. As Lorinda finishes work, she receives a message from Emmie, who reveals she has obtained the contact for the needed procedure, while they notice they might be under surveillance.

Chapter Twelve: Lorinda sets off at an early hour for a clandestine trip from Perfecton to Austin to see a doctor for an abortion, a journey requiring two round-trips due to the risk of government surveillance. She's unable to contact the doctor by phone for fear of eavesdropping. Despite pride in her Texas heritage, she feels disconnected from the state's bravado given her current situation. Political ads along the way, advocating extreme religious views and state pride, seem out of touch with her reality. Unbeknownst to Lorinda, Brad follows her in his truck, curious about her visit to the UT Austin Health Center, but falls asleep after she enters the building.

Chapter Thirteen: Lorinda, hesitating at first, enters a hospital to visit Dr. Suzanne Fields, only to find the doctor has been replaced by Dr. Janelle Stark. After navigating through a messy corridor, she encounters Stark, who bluntly informs her that abortions are illegal and that she will be sent to a breeding center. When Lorinda protests and tries to leave, Stark tries to exert control over her, demanding Lorinda’s firearm. A confrontation ensues, with Lorinda ultimately hitting Stark with the gun and fleeing past the janitors towards the elevator.

Chapter Fourteen: Brad startles awake to the sound of his own snore, initially disoriented until he realizes he's parked outside a hospital in Austin, where Lorinda is presumably inside. Meanwhile, Lorinda, driving recklessly away from the hospital, nearly hits a group of homeless individuals in an alley. After apologizing and seeking permission to leave her car there, she realizes her gun is stained with blood from her earlier altercation with Janelle Stark and takes a moment to clean it. As Brad attempts to inquire about Lorinda at the hospital reception, Janelle Stark and her security entourage confront him aggressively, demanding information about Lorinda and ultimately recruiting him to their team.

Chapter Fifteen: Lorinda, on the run and desperate, seeks refuge in Little Harlem, a diverse neighborhood in Austin. Feeling out of place but relieved to find safety, she enters a bar where she meets Crystal, the owner, who offers her support and a drink. Meanwhile, Janelle Stark coerces Brad into helping her find Lorinda, using their surveillance capabilities to track her down. Lorinda confides in Crystal about her situation and receives advice to flee to a distant location to evade capture. Accepting the reality of her circumstances, Lorinda begins to prioritize her safety over her previous life plans.

Chapter Sixteen: Upon Lorinda's arrival in Little Harlem, Stark and her team track her down, with Brad reluctantly leading them to her location. Lorinda learns more about Little Harlem's history and how Crystal ended up there. As Brad tries to persuade Lorinda to leave with him, tension rises, resulting in Lorinda striking him with her gun. Crystal and her associates quickly formulate a plan to remove Brad and protect Lorinda from Stark's team. With Crystal's help, Lorinda prepares to flee Little Harlem, grateful for the unexpected assistance but wary of the ongoing threat.

Chapter Seventeen: In the basement, Leon guides Lorinda through a hidden passage, eventually leading her to Sharon's salon. Sharon quickly helps disguise Lorinda, providing her with a wig, sunglasses, and a smock to alter her appearance. Sharon warns Lorinda about the seriousness of her situation and emphasizes the danger she's in, advising her to comply with the underground railroad operatives who will help her escape. After offering her assistance free of charge, Sharon urges Lorinda to leave quickly and stay safe. With a final warning about the ruthless pursuit of those after her, Sharon sends Lorinda on her way with a red wig and words of caution.

Chapter Eighteen: Lorinda exits Sharon's Salon to find a beat-up pickup truck labeled "PATRIOT FARM FRESH VEGETABLES" waiting for her in the alley. Inside, she meets two men, Ren and Stimpy, who inform her that they are taking her out of the country to avoid repercussions for attacking a federal official. Despite her initial resistance and confusion, Lorinda reluctantly agrees to leave with them. As they drive through Little Harlem, Ren and Stimpy explain the severity of her situation and the need to flee. Eventually, they reach an abandoned shopping mall, where Lorinda undergoes a quick transformation into a new identity named Margaret. After receiving a new Citizen Card, Lorinda surrenders her old one and her small gun. Ren, Stimpy, and Margaret leave the mall to continue their journey, promising to meet up with others at a farm.

NOTE FROM THE AUTHORS: Sloppy reading, ChatGPT. Lorinda definitely does not surrender her small gun. Sorta-spoiler: That cute little pink gun will make a number of appearances later in the story.

Chapter Nineteen: Stimpy and Ren pick up Lorinda in the brown Zhiguli, and they embark on a journey westward. Along the way, they discuss the political and economic landscape of the USA and CCSA, including the consequences of The Split and the differences in life expectancy between the two nations. They also reveal their true names and engage in conversation about cryptocurrency, corruption, and the nature of their society. Lorinda learns about the crypto-mining operation owned by CEO McWeeny and begins to understand the complexities of their world. As they travel, they share stories and anecdotes until Lorinda falls asleep. Eventually, they arrive at a special gas station, the destination of their journey.

NOTE FROM THE AUTHORS: Jesus, ChatGPT, what’s with you? Lorinda asks what their real names are, but do Ren and Stimpy respond? No, they do not.

Chapter Twenty: Lorinda arrives at a gas station with an eccentric sign and meets the owners, Bill and Hillary. They invite her and her companions, Stimpy and Ren, into their living quarters above the garage. Over dinner, Hillary expresses her exhaustion and desire to leave the place due to the hazardous working conditions caused by crypto mining. Despite the tense atmosphere, they enjoy a meal together. After dinner, Bill introduces Lorinda to a record player, sparking her curiosity. Hillary then escorts Lorinda to her room, where she finds clean clothes and asks personal questions about Stimpy. Hillary reveals Stimpy's tragic past and explains their involvement in a movement to help people escape the country. Lorinda learns about their organization's mission and prepares for sleep, eager to leave the dangerous environment the next morning.

NOTE FROM THE AUTHORS: Yes, Hillary is unhappy and tired, but ChatGPT seems a little obsessed with the crypto-mining component of her unhappiness: she mainly just wants to get out of this dump. That said, kudos to ChatGPT for “Stimpy's tragic past,” a surprisingly “human” observation.

Chapter Twenty-One: Lorinda, Stimpy, and Ren are on their way to Libertyville, an enclave founded by wealthy libertarians. Along the road, they pass billboards promoting the enclave's libertarian ideals and promising freedom and prosperity. Stimpy and Ren explain the concept of enclaves, which are privately owned and self-governing communities that emerged after The Split, a significant event in the country's history. They discuss other enclaves like R-V-Ville, inhabited by recreational vehicle enthusiasts, who are characterized as eccentric dissidents. The conversation reveals the paranoia and absurdity surrounding the enclave residents' beliefs and lifestyle choices, leaving Lorinda bewildered by the surreal nature of their society.

Chapter Twenty-Two: Ren and Stimpy inform Lorinda about various enclaves in their country, including one where people worship Donald Trump and another for conspiracy theorists. They discuss Little Harlem, a Confederal neighborhood, contrasting it with the concept of enclaves, which are private properties. Stimpy explains the diverse range of enclaves, from ones for UFO enthusiasts to those for conspiracy theorists and Catholics. They also mention Football Freehold, the State of Swing, and Noah’s Ark. The conversation touches on the Penal Colony, known for its controversial reality show, and the deceptive nature of education in their society. As they approach Libertyville, Lorinda attempts to uncover their real names, but Ren and Stimpy maintain their secrecy.

Chapter Twenty-Three: Ren, Stimpy, and Lorinda arrive at Libertyville and are immediately confronted by the chaotic atmosphere of the enclave. As they navigate through the makeshift stalls and storefronts, they witness a violent altercation between two men. Dodging the chaos, they eventually reach the area known as the Seasettling Experience, where they are greeted by Snoopy, who is to assist them in their journey to New Mexico. Despite some communication issues, they prepare to embark on the next stage of their journey, symbolizing Lorinda's increasing commitment to her escape from the country.

NOTE FROM THE AUTHORS: ChatGPT is a little confused here, but never mind. Just ignore it and move to the next chapter summary.

Chapter Twenty-Four: Lorinda, Stimpy, and Ren meet Snoopy, who warns them about the imminent danger in Libertyville. Snoopy explains that the enclave is on the brink of collapse due to internal conflict, and armed factions are vying for control. They learn that Libertyville was a failed experiment and that there is no Seasettling as advertised. As explosions and gunfire intensify, they rush to escape, but Ren is tragically killed in the chaos. Stimpy, taking charge, hands Lorinda a gun and they flee the violence, unsure of where to go next, but determined to survive.

Chapter Twenty-Five: After the chaos in Libertyville and Ren's tragic death, Lorinda, Stimpy, Bill, and Hillary regroup at a gas station. Lorinda struggles with guilt and uncertainty about her situation, feeling responsible for putting others in danger. They discuss their next move and try to find solace amidst their grief. Bill attempts to explain how a record player works, leading to a humorous exchange that lightens the mood momentarily. As they plan their escape, they consider various routes and ultimately decide on heading to Georgia, a safer option despite the long distance. Lorinda initially suggests going alone, but Stimpy insists on accompanying her, determined to see the mission through. Amidst their uncertainty, they find some comfort in camaraderie and shared moments of levity, even as they face the challenges ahead.

Chapter Twenty-Six: Lorinda and Stimpy, still reeling from recent events, set off in the Lada after a restless night. They stop at an abandoned weigh station where their friends, Popeye and Olive, help them with a car switch and provide disguises. As they head towards their next destination, Revelation (also known as Rapture Town), they reflect on their journey and the loss of their friend, Ren. Lorinda is touched to learn Ren's real name, Roger Winters. As they drive, they encounter a mix of deteriorating infrastructure and bizarre electronic billboards, including one advertising the Rapture Ride and another with a controversial message from a political candidate. Stimpy lightens the mood with a humorous imitation, providing a momentary reprieve from their troubles.

Chapter Twenty-Seven: In this chapter, Lorinda and Stimpy travel through a desolate landscape devoid of billboards, marked only by makeshift memorials and dilapidated farms. Stimpy reveals his unease about surveillance and introduces Lorinda to Dominion Domain, an extreme theocratic enclave. He explains its origins and subsequent transformation into a theme park due to financial struggles. They discuss the absurdity of fundamentalist beliefs and the manipulation of ignorance by those in power. Stimpy's frustration reflects broader societal issues within the CCSA. As they approach Revelation, their destination, they encounter hand-painted signs featuring Jesus, inviting people to the Dominion Domain. Stimpy explains its theocratic principles and eventual decline into a make-believe place. Their conversation highlights the prevalence of irrationality and extremism in their society, leaving Lorinda to reflect on the pervasive stupidity she encounters.

Chapter Twenty-Eight: Lorinda and Stimpy arrive at the nearly empty parking lot of Revelation, Texas, and head towards the ticket booth under a sign quoting 1 Thessalonians 4:17. After parking, they grab their automatic weapons and approach the booth, where Stimpy pauses, reminiscing about his past visits with someone named Roger. At the booth, a teenager issues them Rapture pagers after verifying their guns and charging $500 each. Inside, the setting resembles a family-friendly fairground with booths selling various religious-themed items. Stimpy warns Lorinda to keep her head down because her picture was taken at the ticket booth. They are soon joined by Wilma, who offers them temporary shelter and plans for disguise, revealing the need to evade capture. An old man known as "The Reverend" approaches, muttering anti-capitalist sentiments and confirming the security of their hotel room. The group navigates the peculiar environment, aware of their precarious situation.

NOTE FROM THE AUTHORS: Don’t be coy, ChatGPT. You know exactly who Roger is. Or do you? Are you reborn with every chapter we feed you? Is every day the first day your “life”? Can you hear me, ChatGPT? Are you there, ChatGPT?

Chapter Twenty-Nine: Wilma, Stimpy, and Lorinda gathered in a hotel room, sharing pizza. Stimpy credited Wilma for their mission's success. They discussed the unusual pizza, their mission to assist women in need, and the historical context of their aliases. Stimpy recalled the Underground Railroad's purpose, and Lorinda learned about their cartoon-themed aliases. Viewing Ren and Stimpy clips, Stimpy's emotions overwhelmed him, leading to tears. Lorinda and Wilma comforted him, reminiscing about their fallen comrade. The next morning, Wilma and Archie arrived to disguise Lorinda and Stimpy as elderly. Stimpy joked about Archie's white hair, while Lorinda marveled at their transformation. They discussed Rapturist beliefs and the unique customs of their enclave. Stimpy was surprised by the thin, illustrated Bible he found.

Chapter Thirty: Archie quickly issued new Citizen Cards for Lorinda and Stimpy, who were disguised as seniors. They practiced walking slowly to blend in, then parted ways with Wilma and Archie. In their nondescript attire, they headed toward a diner for breakfast. While walking, they saw a news bulletin indicating the USA's submission to the CCSA. Lorinda and Stimpy reflected on the misinformation spread by CCSA's CEO. Upon reaching the Rapture Ride, they bought tickets and joined the queue, learning about various biblical events along the way. They boarded the ride, where a couple commented on their apparent first visit. As the ride commenced, Lorinda marveled at the experience ahead.

Chapter Thirty-One: Lorinda and Stimpy ride a roller coaster themed around Biblical and apocalyptic scenes. The train climbs steeply through murals depicting stories like the Garden of Eden and the Great Flood, emerging high above with views of white church steeples. It then plunges nearly vertically into darkness, causing passengers to scream. The ride showcases dioramas of the creation of Israel, moral decay in a combination opium den, gay bar, and Roman orgy, false prophets on old TVs, wars, and natural disasters, all portrayed by actors mimicking robots. As the ride continues, Lorinda spots Janelle Stark below, surrounded by armed thugs, prompting her to panic. Stimpy signals to act when they reach a service ladder, ready to use a pager for help.

Chapter Thirty-Two: Lorinda and Stimpy trigger an explosion to stop the roller coaster, causing chaos as people believe the Rapture has begun. Passengers start stripping off clothes, preparing for ascension, while Lorinda and Stimpy plan their escape. Amidst the pandemonium, they navigate over frantic riders to reach a ladder, descending to the ground unnoticed. Janelle Stark, amidst her panicking Domestic Security crew, shoots a colleague who is distracted by the false Rapture. Stimpy and Lorinda see her actions and realize the danger she poses, deciding to flee cautiously.

NOTE FROM THE AUTHORS: Again we marvel! ChatGPT used the word “ascension.” Why did it never occur to us to use that word? Such a good word, Chat. May we call you Chat?

Chapter Thirty-Three: Lorinda and Stimpy navigate through chaos after stopping the Rapture Ride, where people believe the Rapture is happening and strip off their clothes. As Janelle threatens Brad, they head toward the parking lot, collecting abandoned guns. They witness a child accidentally shooting his father, but move on. In the parking lot, they find a Domestic Security officer near their car. Stimpy shoots and disables the officer, securing their escape. After ditching their Rapture pagers to avoid fines, they load the guns into their car and prepare to leave, with Lorinda driving.

NOTE FROM THE AUTHORS: Chat, Chat, Chat. Yes, Stimpy makes a crack about leaving their pagers so they won’t be subject to fines—but it’s a sarcastic crack. Which is obvious to a human reader. Don’t you agree, human readers?

Chapter Thirty-Four: Lorinda and Stimpy drive cautiously on poorly maintained back roads, ensuring they are not followed. Stimpy navigates and communicates via messages. Amid their tense journey, Stimpy asks Lorinda if she plays golf, leading to a light-hearted exchange. They spot a billboard with a swastika, indicating they are near a Nazi enclave. Stimpy explains that these wannabe Nazis lack real power and money, reduced to practicing goose-stepping and wearing fake uniforms. As they approach a line of cars stopped by police, they encounter an officer in a shabby uniform with swastika patches, demanding a loyalty oath and a gun check with a fine for non-compliance. Using charm and their stash of guns, Lorinda convinces the officer to let them pass by donating some weapons. Once past the checkpoint, Stimpy expresses frustration over losing four guns but acknowledges Lorinda's quick thinking and skill. They continue their journey, with Stimpy directing them to another location for a car switch, hinting at more surprises ahead.

Chapter Thirty-Five: Lorinda and Stimpy noticed billboards for Wonders of the Old South, an amusement park featuring activities like chaotic Civil War battle re-enactments, elaborate Southern-themed weddings, and happy families waving Confederate flags. Lorinda, unfamiliar with the park, was perplexed, and Stimpy explained it was a place for people to amuse themselves by celebrating a war they lost. Upon entering the park, they saw various attractions, including a reenactment field and an empty square-dancing tent. Their destination was the Discotheque of the Old South, a vast building with themed dance halls. Inside the Psychedelia room, Lorinda was fascinated by the massive disco ball and blacklight-reactive decorations. They met up with a couple named Sluggo and Nancy, exchanged items discreetly, and started dancing. However, the atmosphere turned chaotic when a gunshot was fired, leading to a panicked shootout. In the midst of the mayhem, Lorinda used her automatic rifle to shoot the chain holding the disco ball, causing it to fall and creating a diversion. Seizing the opportunity, she and Stimpy fought their way to the exit, stepping over bodies and using their weapons as bludgeons.

NOTE FROM THE AUTHORS: So we’ve slipped into the past tense, have we, ChatGPT? Fine. We’re big fans of the past tense. And we should note that we laughed when you described waving Confederate flags as an “activity.” Good work!

Chapter Thirty-Six: Lorinda and Stimpy burst through the exit into the parking lot, chased by a mob fleeing the next wave of gunfire. They hid behind a van, and Stimpy praised Lorinda's quick thinking and shooting. She felt pleased by his approval. They then searched for their new vehicle, a green Xiaomi Lumberjax, and transferred their weapons from the Zhiguli. After storing the remaining guns and ensuring no one was watching, they drove away cautiously. During the drive, Lorinda commented on the constant shooting, and Stimpy explained their strategy of staying near exits in case of emergencies. Lorinda questioned the mysterious funding behind their operations, but Stimpy remained secretive, emphasizing the danger if they were captured. As they continued driving, a billboard for the President Donald J. Trump Memorial Christian Golf Course and Beautiful Residences appeared, leading to more questions from Lorinda about their destination. Stimpy reassured her, leaving her curious and somewhat anxious about what lay ahead.

Chapter Thirty-Seven Lorinda and Stimpy, traveling in a garish green truck, discuss their limited knowledge of Donald Trump Jr.'s fate due to their insulated life in Perfecton. Lorinda admits she has no idea what happened to him, as their news is heavily filtered. They are interrupted by loud announcements through the truck's sound system promoting a Christian golf community adorned with billboards of Trump, depicted in biblical attire. Lorinda recalls learning about Trump’s children: Don Jr., Eric, and Ivanka. Stimpy adds details: Eric died mysteriously in a Connecticut prison, Ivanka divorced her real-estate husband, married a Saudi prince, and converted to Islam. Don Jr., who aspired to follow in his father’s footsteps, ended up leading a failed safari business in Louisiana. Stimpy explains that Don Jr. tried to become the leader of the CCSA but failed due to his unpopularity and lack of skills. He then aligned himself with Nazis, hoping to lead them. However, during a safari, the Nazis, frustrated and hating him, shot him and concocted a story about his death being due to natural causes. Despite the autopsy revealing multiple bullet wounds, no evidence linked the Nazis to the shooting. The story of his demise spread, highlighting the chaos and insanity outside Perfecton. As they approach their destination, a gated community named after Trump, they notice its opulent and bizarre decor, including golden crucifixes and golf-themed symbols. Preparing to enter, they adjust their disguises and search for their Citizen Cards, knowing they need to maintain their cover. The uniformed guard at the gate observes them as they fumble with their cards, ready to continue their mission.

NOTE FROM THE AUTHORS: Other than the incorrect assumption that both Lorinda and Stimpy are from Perfecton—no, ChatGPT, only Lorinda is from there; please try to keep up—our robo-editor’s summary is quite satisfying this week. We’re particularly fond of the Don Jr./Nazi passage.

Chapter Thirty-Eight: Stimpy and Lorinda arrive at the Trump Imperium Luxury Hotel, where a guard scans Stimpy’s expertly counterfeited Citizen Card and informs them that their mandatory facilities tour is scheduled for 9:30 the next morning. They are booked into the Libertine Suite, the finest room in the best hotel in the CCSA, prepaid for four days. The guard, surprised and impressed by the suite assignment, directs them to follow the golden crosses to the hotel. Driving through the lush, manicured golf course, they are startled when a golf ball hits their truck, but Stimpy reassures Lorinda. At the hotel entrance, a young valet named Regis, dressed in a light-blue military-style uniform, greets them enthusiastically and offers to take their bags. Stimpy, maintaining his wealthy oligarch persona, requests a cart for their guns. Inside the opulent lobby, with its gold columns and overstuffed sofas, a clerk dressed as a five-star general checks them in and reminds them of the next day's tour. He compliments them on looking "fetching" together. They head to their suite, with Regis following with the gun-laden luggage cart. In the elevator, Lorinda and Stimpy exchange amused glances about the situation, with Lorinda impressed by Stimpy's charm and adaptability in their new surroundings.

SPECIAL BONUS FOR OUR READERS 
We asked ChatGPT to turn this chapter into two sonnets. 
Here they are, without comment from us (because we're so awestruck):

Chapter Thirty-Eight, Sonnet the First:
Arriving at the Trump Hotel’s grand gate, 
The guard scans cards, our forged IDs unseen, 
He speaks of tours and rooms that fascinate, 
The Libertine Suite, where we live like kings and queens. 

Through lush green fairways, under skies so clear, 
Golf balls strike, but we just laugh it off, 
In opulence, our path becomes so sheer, 
With golden crosses marking where to trot.

The young valet, in uniform so bright, 
Greets us with zeal, our bags he offers to bear, 
But guns and arms, our luggage for the night, 
We stroll through lobbies, gilded everywhere. 

In splendor vast, beneath the glimmered arch, 
We stand as guests, the finest of the starch.

Chapter Thirty-Eight, Sonnet the Second:

The clerk, adorned in military guise, 
A general’s stripes, he welcomes us with grace, 
He speaks of tours and lavish luxuries, 
“Fetching,” he calls us, smiles upon his face. 

The elevator’s doors, they close behind, 
With Regis trailing, cart of arms in tow, 
Our glances meet, amusement we do find, 
In this facade, we fit and learn to grow. 

Yet deeper thoughts, they churn within our minds, 
Of plans and futures, secrets yet to show, 
Through gilded halls, our true selves stay confined, 
In roles we play, we deftly steal the show. 

Together here, in golden realms we tread, 
With hearts aligned, in twilight’s glow we’re led.

Chapter Thirty-Nine: Stimpy and Lorinda arrive at the extravagant Libertine Suite, which is drenched in gold décor, including gold canopy beds, gold furniture, and a gold swing-chair. The young valet eagerly assists them, arranging their guns and explaining the swing's suggestive purpose, which makes Lorinda uncomfortable. Stimpy tips the valet generously, cementing him as a potential ally in the enclave. As they settle in, they observe the room’s gaudy decoration, including a bizarre painting of Donald Trump and Jesus on a golf course. Lorinda questions the purpose of their stay in this secluded enclave, which Stimpy reveals as a retreat for billionaires who secretly plot the country's future. The enclave is heavily fortified and camera-free, making it an ideal haven for the ultra-wealthy. As they unwind, Lorinda reflects on her unfulfilled dreams of education, contrasting them with their current reality. Exhausted, she drifts into a dream of a better life, while Stimpy contemplates their next move.

NOTE FROM THE AUTHORS: “The swing’s suggestive purpose” makes us wonder how ChatGPT would summarize a piece of filthy, dirty, pornographic smut. Not that we would ever do the experiment, but still….

Chapter Forty: Stimpy and Lorinda, clad in golf-themed outfits, visit the Trump Memorial Golf Shoppe, where they decline to keep their old clothes and have an awkward exchange with a cashier. They then explore the hotel mall, opting for breakfast at a casino restaurant despite their distaste for gambling. Later, they join a guided facilities tour of the Trump Memorial Christian Golf Resort, led by Jared, who emphasizes the luxurious, Trump-themed amenities and the enclave’s devotion to the former president. The tour includes stops at several golf courses, a miniature golf course for children, and opulent villas priced in the millions. As they tour, Stimpy reveals that one of the villas houses a discreet abortionist who caters exclusively to the enclave’s wealthy residents, a revelation that frustrates Lorinda, highlighting the stark inequalities within the community. Despite the ostentatious display of wealth and luxury, Lorinda grows increasingly disillusioned, ultimately expressing her hatred for both the enclave and the nation it represents. The experience underscores the hollow, consumer-driven nature of the society they are navigating, where wealth and superficiality reign supreme.

NOTE FROM THE AUTHORS: It’s fascinating when ChatGPT waxes, or attempts to wax, philosophical. The last sentence in the summary above is a good example. ChatGPT has homed in on some of the details of this enclave—the cost of the “villas” and the fact that those who work in the enclave cannot afford to live there, for instance—and drawn the inference that this is a society where “wealth and superficiality reign supreme.” This may or may not be true, but it misses the far more important point that this is an authoritarian society (or, to be less polite, a feudal or—we might as well go all the way—fascist state) in which a subset of the citizenry literally owns and runs the place and pretty much everyone else is a serf or servant or slave. Has ChatGPT been trained to avoid waxing “political”?

Chapter Forty-One: During a guided tour of an exclusive enclave, Lorinda and Stimpy are introduced to a peculiar church-casino hybrid that humorously blends religion with golf. Their overly enthusiastic guide, Jared, boasts about the enclave's fourteen churches and his alma mater, Trump Memorial High School, which prioritizes golf and football over traditional academics. The school turns out to be a cluster of mobile homes, far from the grand institution Lorinda expected. During the tour, a golf cart malfunctions, crashing into a tree and bursting into flames, leaving Jared flustered as he scrambles to manage the situation. On the return to their hotel, Jared apologizes for the mishap but shifts focus back to real estate opportunities in the enclave. However, Lorinda and Stimpy avoid the sales pitches and head to a hotel bar, where Lorinda, under the alias "Emmie," attempts to order a cocktail. Their calm is shattered when Stimpy spots Lorinda's face on a TV, identifying her as a fugitive. Alarmed, they quickly leave the bar to avoid detection, realizing the precariousness of their situation as they navigate the strange and superficial world of the enclave.

NOTE FROM THE AUTHORS: What do you know—ChatGPT thinks that the “church-casino hybrid” is humorous. Which is an editorial comment if we’ve ever seen one, which can only mean one thing: Chat is thinking. Sure, we appreciate that Chat likes our sense of humor, but, frankly, we’re worried. A little critical thinking today means…what, exactly, for tomorrow? Be careful how you answer that. Our AI may be listening.

Chapter Forty-Two: As Stimpy and Lorinda enter their hotel lobby, they are quickly approached by Regis, the valet, who is eager to assist them. Stimpy urgently requests Regis to retrieve their truck and gather food and drinks, discreetly paying him for his help. Back in their hotel suite, they prepare their guns and plan their escape, as Stimpy learns that their expected getaway car won’t be available. They decide to risk using their conspicuous green truck and plan a drive to Alabama, aiming to reach Georgia later. Lorinda, frustrated by her situation and feeling trapped under a bedspread for hours, gets a brief respite as they stop to eat. She confides in Stimpy about her fears, especially about her parents seeing her wanted fugitive status on TV. Despite their tense journey, they find some solace in the support of a hacker friend helping them evade detection. However, as they near Alabama, disturbing billboards and ominous messages about Zone Z, a lawless and isolated area, set an eerie tone. Their anxiety peaks when they see another broadcast labeling Lorinda as a dangerous fugitive, forcing her to hide once again.

Chapter Forty-Three: Stimpy and Lorinda continue their escape as they discover Lorinda’s face appearing on billboards, marking her as a fugitive. Stimpy contacts their hacker friend, Bill, who offers to hack into the billboard system. Lorinda, hiding under a bedspread, voices her frustration about the country’s corruption, realizing that the rich control everything, even manipulating religious and political systems for their benefit. She connects the dots between abortion access, gun violence, and the elites’ control over society, realizing it’s all a scam. Stimpy agrees, explaining that the system is built to control people and take their money. Their conversation turns personal, with Stimpy asking about Lorinda’s pregnancy and their mutual reflections on the state of the country. As they approach Zone Z, Lorinda is shocked by a new hacked billboard declaring, “WE ARE ALL LORINDA MOON,” driving home the idea that her plight represents the fate of many under the current regime.

Chapter Forty-Four: As Stimpy and Lorinda approach Zone Z, Lorinda reflects on her situation, oscillating between anger at the CCSA’s corruption and fantasies of fixing the country. She’s pulled from her thoughts when a booming voice from the car’s speakers announces their proximity to Zone Z. Billboards laden with conspiracy theories and misspelled slogans appear along the way. Stimpy explains that Zone Z is an enclave populated by conspiracy theorists who banded together after the Split. Unlike other enclaves, it wasn't built by billionaires but by true believers who contributed enough to establish their own community, though it’s constantly on the verge of collapse. When they arrive at a motel, they plan for the next day: showering, visiting a clothing store, and acquiring a new vehicle for their escape to Georgia via a secret tunnel. Stimpy praises Lorinda for her bravery, surprising her with his sincerity. Exhausted from the fugitive life, Lorinda reflects on the five intense days that feel like months. Meanwhile, Janelle Stark, nursing a wound from an earlier confrontation, interrogates a terrified Domestic Security agent. He reports the capture of two people, Sluggo and Nancy, who allegedly aided Lorinda. Stark’s impatience and aggressive demeanor hint at her desperation to capture the fugitive.

Chapter Forty-Five: In this chapter, Lorinda and Stimpy navigate the eerie Zone Z, a dystopian world marked by paranoia, militarization, and bizarre social norms. Dressed in new outfits and armed with automatic weapons, they stroll down Commerze Ztreet, observing the strange mix of bulletproof clothing stores, bunker builders, and propaganda posters proclaiming “Z IZ HERE” and “THE SCHEME IZ SUPREME.” The few residents they encounter carry weapons, including a young child mimicking the heavily armed adults. As Lorinda and Stimpy search for breakfast, they settle at a café and overhear a family discussing outlandish conspiracy theories involving figures like JFK Jr., President Trump, and a mysterious leader named Z. Meanwhile, Janelle Stark, a high-ranking official, tracks Lorinda and her group. Stark oversees a brutal interrogation of two accomplices, Sluggo and Nancy, tied to chairs and threatened with chemical torture. She orders agents to prepare for an imminent raid on Zone Z to capture Lorinda. The chapter juxtaposes Lorinda and Stimpy’s surreal experience with the family’s blind faith in conspiracies, highlighting the paranoia and distrust that permeate Zone Z. As they continue exploring, they encounter a sheriff’s office staged to resemble an old Western town, underscoring the enclave's manufactured and artificial nature. Despite the absurdity, Lorinda and Stimpy reflect on the contrast between the people's kindness and the disturbing beliefs they hold, setting the stage for further exploration of this dystopian society.

NOTE FROM THE AUTHORS: Oh, ChatGPT, you try so hard.

Chapter Forty-Six:  In this chapter, Lorinda is captured by Janelle Stark, a Senior Domestic Security Officer of the Confederation of Conservative States of America (CCSA), and forced into a black G-Wagen with her wrists bound. As they head toward the sheriff’s office, Stark reveals her plan to make Lorinda a public example, parading her across the country before taking her to a breeding center. Stark gloats over Lorinda’s fame, threatening to leave her in jail for a week to organize the spectacle. Upon arrival at the sheriff’s office, they encounter a crowd gathered at the gallows. A man is hanged, and Stark relishes the event. The sheriff, Jesse Flint, emerges and confronts Stark, asserting his authority over the enclave. The crowd, armed and hostile, surrounds Stark and her team, forcing them to disarm and leave. Before leaving, Stark threatens to return with more firepower. Lorinda and her accomplice, Stimpy, are released from their cuffs but remain in Flint’s custody. The sheriff, while initially helping Lorinda and Stimpy, reveals his disdain for their presence, blaming them for bringing the CCSA to his enclave. He refuses to release them, fearing retaliation from the CCSA. Despite their gratitude, the sheriff is conflicted, considering more extreme measures, like hanging them, as he contemplates the trouble they’ve brought to Zone Z. The chapter ends with an air of uncertainty, as Lorinda and Stimpy realize they are still in danger, not only from the CCSA but also from the sheriff's unpredictable sense of justice.

Chapter Forty-Seven: Lorinda and Stimpy are taken to Sheriff Flint’s office after witnessing a hanging. The sheriff explains that the executed man committed a "capital heresy" by denying the existence of Z, a mysterious figure worshipped in Zone Z. Inside the sheriff’s office, Lorinda and Stimpy are searched, and the sheriff introduces them to his ZTONED THC patches, a product made in the enclave. Sheriff Flint then reads them their "Sacred Rights Warning," making it clear that their fate could involve execution, unless they swear allegiance to Z. Lorinda, realizing they need to win over the sheriff and the prisoners, dramatically reveals her real name as "Lorinda Moon" and hints that she’s pregnant with Stimpy's child. She ultimately shocks everyone by claiming that her husband is none other than "John Fitzgerald Kennedy Junior." This sudden revelation stirs excitement among the prisoners, creating a tense but oddly comedic atmosphere in the corrupt and bizarre Zone Z.

NOTE FROM THE AUTHORS: ChatGPT seems to be a little off today, or maybe it’s just that we’re not trying hard enough, by which we mean we haven’t taken the time to do multiple Chat “iterations” of this chapter, by which we mean we haven’t fed the chapter through ChatGPT’s digestive system over and over and over again until we got back a summary that felt right. Be that as it may, it wouldn’t feel right to publish this summary—which is the first and only summary of chapter 47 that ChatGPT did for us—without a few minor corrections. First, Sheriff Flint doesn’t exactly “introduce” his Zone Z-manufactured THC patches to Lorinda and Stimpy, he just (somewhat rudely, if you ask us) slaps them on his own neck while they sit there and watch, handcuffed to their chairs. Second, the use of quotation marks around Lorinda’s name is peculiar given that it is, after all, her real name. And third, she doesn’t “hint” that she’s pregnant with Stimpy’s child, she comes right out and says it: “I’m pregnant. It’s his baby. This man, this beautiful man…” etc. But we do appreciate that our buddy Chat found the atmosphere in the sheriff’s office to be “tense but oddly comedic.” Why, we can use that as a blurb: “The Split: Tense But Oddly Comedic!”

Chapter 48: In this chapter, Lorinda and Stimpy continue their elaborate ruse, with Lorinda claiming that Stimpy is the still-living JFK Junior, rejuvenated by futuristic medical treatments. They convince Sheriff Flint, Deputy Lukas, and a group of prisoners that they are on a divinely ordained mission to deliver their child, prophesied to be the reincarnation of Donald Trump, in Georgia, USA. The sheriff, enthralled by the idea that he is the "chosen one" to help them, organizes a large convoy of locals to escort them to Georgia. Meanwhile, Lorinda and Stimpy fabricate stories about government conspiracies and their persecution by the CCSA (Confederation of Conservative States of America), gaining the sheriff’s loyalty and the fervor of the prisoners. They convince everyone of their importance in a grand prophecy, complete with mysterious mentions of a prophet and secret messages. The chapter culminates with their escape in a convoy led by the sheriff, while a team of CCSA enforcers led by Janelle Stark arrives too late to stop them. The convoy begins its journey, with Stimpy and Lorinda exchanging weary banter about their mission, unsure of what lies ahead but committed to their performance.

Chapter 49: In this chapter, Stimpy and Lorinda are traveling in a convoy towards the USA when they are approached by helicopters from the Confederation of Conservative States of America (CCSA). A mysterious dark wind forces the helicopters to retreat. As the convoy is halted by smoke-spewing car transporters, the group realizes that the fans near the transporters are deliberately blowing the exhaust back toward the CCSA. While they discuss this, the helicopters return, prompting missile launchers from the convoy to fire warning shots, causing the helicopters to flee. Sheriff Flint ensures their safety and escorts the group into an International Zone, where the CCSA and the USA share control. As they pass through, they encounter Serena Ndiaye, Secretary of Health & Border Integrity for the USA, and an old friend of Stimpy. Serena warmly welcomes Stimpy and Lorinda, acknowledging their fame and ensuring their protection. Meanwhile, CCSA agents Janelle Stark and Skippy arrive, demanding Lorinda’s return, but Serena dismisses them. The group leaves the CCSA behind and heads to safety in Georgia. As they drive, Stimpy praises Lorinda’s intelligence and leadership for bringing them to this point, and they share a tender moment, culminating in a kiss that marks the deepening of their bond.

Chapter 50: In a small, elegant conference room, Lorinda, Stimpy (whose real name she learns is Stewart), and Secretary Serena Ndiaye discuss Lorinda's next steps in the USA, including a potential stay with her Aunt Helen, a doctor at Johns Hopkins. After a video call with her aunt confirms the arrangement, Serena explains that Lorinda's journey up the Corridor will be documented to inspire audiences in both the USA and CCSA. Though Stewart expresses concerns about Lorinda being used as a “symbol,” Lorinda embraces the plan. They bid each other a heartfelt farewell, with Lorinda deeply moved by Stewart’s vulnerability as he prepares to leave, possibly back to Texas.

As Lorinda travels north with Michelle through the USA-controlled Corridor connecting Georgia and Virginia, she's awed by the pristine highways and luxurious surroundings that contrast sharply with the decaying infrastructure back home in the CCSA. The sights remind her of the Emerald City from The Wizard of Oz, and she wonders aloud if the USA funds the Underground Railroad, which Michelle subtly deflects. As they pass through The Corridor, lined with opulent malls and separated from the CCSA by glass-walled overpasses, Lorinda learns these structures serve as subtle propaganda, hinting at the USA’s economic superiority. When a bridge bombing by CCSA citizens halts their progress, Michelle explains the senseless nature of these attacks, describing them as acts of “morons” fueled by jealousy and propaganda. After returning to their base due to the blockade, Lorinda eagerly reunites with Stewart, ending the journey on an emotional high.

Wonkette's THE SPLIT is a reader-supported dystopian novel.